Regret or Rejoice

             This is a poem I wrote quite a few years back. I was in middle school when I wrote it but it didn't have great meaning until one of my brothers went through a rehab program. He turned his life around completely and this poem spoke truth in both of our lives. Truth that I never imagined would be. His life had consisted of a lot of suffering and self battles. My life was different in that I was always the "good" child that watched her older siblings tear their lives apart with addictions, abuse, and self hate. I resented my family for a short time but God taught me a lesson that was not easy to learn. This poem is about finding myself and realizing my past was so flawed. I was so consumed in trying to find why I was put in such a disfunctional family. Now...I can't imagine not having grown up with siblings who went through many trials. I cannot imagine not having been raised by a mother who cared so deeply for her children. Her love was so strong that she sacrificed many job opportunities for us...she spent many hours among many days crying out to God to help her raise her children...I was just as naive as my siblings growing up but in a different way. So this post is dedicated to my brother Lucas. I love you strong arm of the sun!

Turned

Through the times we shared

We never ever cared

That our lives were going down.

 

 

Through the times we shared

We never ever cared

That our lives were turned around.

 

 

Our backs were turned,

and our hearts torn.

And not a single care until. . .

 

 

We found someone.

He changed our lives.

And now we live as He would want.

 

 

His name we praise.

Our hearts, He raises.

And that is just the beginning.

When times were rough

We'd ignore truth, make up stuff

to hide visible proof

that our lives were falling apart

 

 

When times were bad

We'd sip our cup of lies and sad regret

to keep away the pain

of knowing we were living in vain

 

 

Our pain was masked

Our smiles were lies

And not a simple way out until...

 

 

Our direction was turned

Leading us into grace

And now we live with a light brighter than bright

 

 

Our hearts have been softened

Our eyes are fixed on God

And now we rejoice in victory in Him

I love to write poetry but I only write when I have something to write. I used to regret some of my past. But now I rejoice in it. God has changed my heart and my mind in such a positive way. I am so thankful for Him. Who would I be without a creator and savior?

An article written about my family when I was about 2 years old.

Simple Lesson Learned

I lost vision of what God wanted for me..but then I became friends with people who made me question my goals in life. Live for the little things? Or live for God by choosing what little things are appropriate versus choosing to fit in with every environment I am in. I am a versatile person. I pretty much like to blend in or at least have some common ground with the people around me. This can be a great thing but sometimes it is quite the opposite. From a missionary's point of view...adjusting to a foreign culture and finding common ground is good. But while I'm still here in the U.S. I find myself trying to be like the world. Confusing culture with worldly activity. I cannot be who God wants me to be if I am not pleasing Him with my actions and words and thoughts.

Prayer is Powerful

I have to admit, I have not always kept up with praying for certain people every day. I have daily prayers but I split them up and pray for certain people every other day just because my list seemingly gets bigger and bigger by day. I would not describe my list of prayers as overwhelming but more of a joyful blessing. It amazes me to see so many people I can pray for. Prayer has been the biggest part of my relationship with Christ. I remember a time growing up where I loved praying so much that it became a routine thing. I would pray during class, walking down the hallway to my next class and especially at night before going to bed. My mom taught my brother Lucas and I to pray before each meal and before going to sleep. I can remember getting underneath her shawl that she called her prayer temple/tabernacle. I always felt like I was in a very Holy cave. It was both comforting and chilling. She would allow me to pray every night. I would pray for every single family member by name. It is probably my favorite childhood memory. After I said my prayers she would pray a blessing over my brother and me:

“May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. May He bless you with sweet words to say from your lips. May He put clean thoughts in your head. And may His love be shown through your heart onto others.”

As she would pray the last three blessings over us, she would draw a cross with her finger on our lips, foreheads, and over our hearts.  I always felt such a strong feeling of love not just from my mom but from God. Many times as my mom would pray this over me I would watch her as she spoke those sweet words. Her face shiny from the oil she put on it and the corners of her mouth struggling to pull back into a smile because of the tears that would fall from her eyes. I could see that she was feeling both happy to have children and yet sorrowful because God’s love reached beyond her comprehension. At least that is how I interpreted her feelings as a child. I am so blessed to have grown up with such a wonderful woman of faith.